Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Finding your feet again

Infertility sucks.

Someone told me once that when something happens on your path, on your road of life, that it is detour, or a stumble, but it is not a blockade. After so many stumbles....how do you find your feet again to continue on? How do you not feel like it is a blockade? Yesterday I got dealt another blow. One of those blows that makes you just want to lay down in the middle of the road and never want to get up again. My husband and I had another round of IVF - the transfer was on my birthday - and this is our 6th infertility treatment. And we found out yesterday...that it didn't work. The sadness is so deep. The emptiness is so vast. The tears are so raw. But...some how, I found my feet to keep walking. I got through yesterday, and am walking forward again today. People are using words like strong...graceful...perseverance...but even though i'm walking forward, I still feel like I am just laying in the middle of the road. I feel so open and exposed and vulnerable. But I keep moving forward. I feel so empty inside....but then full too.

I woke up this morning giving Thanks. I know that even though I am going through this terrible time, I know that I am Blessed. And what is picking me and moving me forward? Its my Faith and the strength from family and friends. Everyone is praying so hard for this to happen for me. To know that so many people are behind you and with you on your journey is overwhelming. It fills you up, and lifts you, and helps you find your feet again. Kind of like a balloon. Just filling you up from within and floating you down your path.

The hardest thing is right now - is not knowing. How can two people who love each other so much and just want a baby so bad, how can we not create a baby that grows and is filled with love? How can someone who has the desire so deep to be a mother, how can she not become one? How can two people with so much love and support behind them, and so many prayers and people praying for them, how can this pray not come true? This is what I don't understand. This is what I am struggling with. I hear stories all the time about people who don't want a baby and our pregnant. I hear all the time horrendous things that happen to children. And I am so confused why a home filled with such love and desire for a family, can not be filled with children?

These questions may never be answered. It may never be explained. And the prayers continue. That some day, our home will be filled with the love and laughter of a child. I will not give up. I will fight forever to make this happen. No matter the cost.

For anyone going through this or who has gone through this...there is a cost isn't there? How many times can you be knocked down? How many times can you get up from laying down in the middle of the path and just not wanting to get up again? As long as I have my Faith, and all the strength and love and support from my family and friends, I know I will always be able to find my feet again.