I have found myself reflecting a lot these past couple of days at the absolute miracle it is to have a baby, or rather, grow a baby. I fully admit, it seems like an odd way to phrase it, but that is our problem, we can make a baby, it just won't grow. So how do you grow a baby?
I was with two little ones today, putting them down for a nap. The quite lull before nap time is my favorite time with the littles. They are sleepy and snuggly and ready to drift away to a sweet slumber. I was feeding a 5 month old her bottle and was looking at her little fingers and I kept thinking, what a miracle it is to grow these little fingers. The little nails, the little chubby hand...what a miracle it is. Later in the afternoon, I was putting a little 2 year old boy down for a nap, and he likes to twirl hair. That same thought came into mind as I watched him twirl the end of my hair...how do you a grow this perfect little person. Or more specifically...why can't I grow this perfect little person?
As anyone who has been through IVF or struggled with any type of fertility issues, the emotional roller coaster we are on is over whelming. The past two days have been unexpectedly rolly. Which has resulted on this reflection. No matter what your beliefs, having a baby is a true miracle. I have been under the most perfect scientific conditions and it has not worked. So, after two full years of IVF docs, injections, and tests, and 6 years previously trying to have a baby in a number of ways, we are coming to the end of our journey. I emotionally, mentally and physically can not go on much more. We have what is called "unexplained infertility". The unexplained part is the part that I constantly struggle with. And now, I am struggling with this reflection - how do you a grow a baby? How do I make this miracle happen? And why can't I? When will it be my turn?
I have Faith, I have the love of an amazing husband and family, the most supportive and understanding friends. One of these friends asked me the other day, what makes me keep going? It was an easy answer. I keep going and trying for my miracle, because it is the only thing that I have ever wanted. In my core, and every cell of my being, wants only to be a mommy. We have tried so many things and done so many tests, that now, I don't know what else I can do. So I sit here and wonder....how do you grow a baby?