Wednesday, February 6, 2013

How to grow a baby

I have found myself reflecting a lot these past couple of days at the absolute miracle it is to have a baby, or rather, grow a baby.  I fully admit, it seems like an odd way to phrase it, but that is our problem, we can make a baby, it just won't grow. So how do you grow a baby?

I was with two little ones today, putting them down for a nap. The quite lull before nap time is my favorite time with the littles. They are sleepy and snuggly and ready to drift away to a sweet slumber. I was feeding a 5 month old her bottle and was looking at her little fingers and I kept thinking, what a miracle it is to grow these little fingers. The little nails, the little chubby hand...what a miracle it is. Later in the afternoon, I was putting a little 2 year old boy down for a nap, and he likes to twirl hair. That same thought came into mind as I watched him twirl the end of my do you a grow this perfect little person. Or more specifically...why can't I grow this perfect little person?

As anyone who has been through IVF or struggled with any type of fertility issues, the emotional roller coaster we are on is over whelming. The past two days have been unexpectedly rolly.  Which has resulted on this reflection. No matter what your beliefs, having a baby is a true miracle. I have been under the most perfect scientific conditions and it has not worked.  So, after two full years of IVF docs, injections, and tests, and 6 years previously trying to have a baby in a number of ways, we are coming to the end of our journey. I emotionally, mentally and physically can not go on much more. We have what is called "unexplained infertility". The unexplained part is the part that I constantly struggle with. And now, I am struggling with this reflection - how do you a grow a baby? How do I make this miracle happen?  And why can't I? When will it be my turn?

I have Faith, I have the love of an amazing husband and family, the most supportive and understanding friends. One of these friends asked me the other day, what makes me keep going? It was an easy answer. I keep going and trying for my miracle, because it is the only thing that I have ever wanted. In my core, and every cell of my being, wants only to be a mommy.  We have tried so many things and done so many tests, that now, I don't know what else I can do.  So I sit here and do you grow a baby?


  1. Hi Carey,

    I hope this doesn't seem creepy or stalkerish, but I was enjoying your TR on Disney Magic and saw your link to your blog. I knew you had mentioned struggles with infertility on your TR, and after reading this blog post, I wanted to share my story...I guess so you'll have one more person who understands?

    My husband and I got married when we were 21 (we are now 42). We both wanted children, and after we'd been married a year or so, we started trying. Absolutely nothing happened. I gave it time, because my cycle had always been irregular, so I thought we might just not be catching it right.

    After a couple of years, I talked to my doctor about it. He prescribed Clomid, which made my hormones go crazy and my cycle unbearable. I endured it for a few months, and then had to stop for my peace of mind. A year or so went by, and I changed doctors. She diagnosed me with PCOS (I'd never heard of it) and starting charting my ovulation with ultrasounds. I never ovulated (on my own).

    I'd always been a bit heavy for my height (20-30 lbs overweight), but during this time my Mom passed away and I gained a great deal of weight (I was 25). My cycle shut down altogether, and the depression was such that I didn't even try to conceive anymore.

    My cycle returned to "my normal," and in my early 30s, we decided to see the best reproductive endocrinologist in our city. He discovered that one of my Fallopian tubes was scarred. That meant that on the rare occasions that I did ovulate, if it was the month for that tube, nothing would happen. Devastated to learn that my reproductive options were so limited (and adoption being financially out of question) we gave up.

    Around 5 years later, our financial situation had greatly improved and we were very happy with our lives. We had great jobs, we traveled, we worked on being happy with having a fun marriage and being able to do things that our friends with children found difficult (we were masters of the last minute trip!).

    I had just returned from a girls weekend to Chicago with one of my best friends in December of 2007 when I started feeling awful -- worse than I'd ever felt. I'd recently lost a great deal of weight (going from a size 16 to a size 4) and I'd been feeling fantastic. Then my periods stopped and I was afraid that all of the endgame horror stories about PCOS (cancer!) were coming to fruition. I forced myself to wait until I had missed 2 cycles and then took a pregnancy test. I had never, in 16 years of trying, seen a positive test until that morning.

    I was 38 years old and had been married 16 years and had friends who were about to be grandparents when my son was born August 15, 2008.

    He's now 4 1/2 and took his first trip to WDW last May. We are still amazed that he's here. Why us? Why then? I'd had dramatic weight loss before and not conceived. I'd tried several methods (Clomid, AI) and nothing happened. And then I conceived naturally one random November, no different than any November of my adulthood before it.

    I know that I'm a stranger (and all of this outpouring probably seems weird to you, but I felt so in tune with your story) and I *understand*. My advice is, give yourself time to heal (oh, I'm not giving you that old chestnut about "it will happen we you stop trying!") and then look at your options. If adoption works for you, it's a fantastic choice. I have a godson who was adopted via international adoption who is now 7 years old and a joy to his parents. I have cousins adopted via fostering. And I had a pregnancy out of blue after years of trying. I am sending you all of my prayers and wishing the very best for your future family plans. <3


    1. Thank you so much for your amazing and inspiring story! It means more then I can put into words you sharing your story with me. Congratulations and I am so happy for you! What a great story that you just took him to WDW! Niles just surprised me with going into the MK for Valentine's Day. I can't wait for the day to bring our own child there. Do you think the weight loss was a factor? I need to. But with injections and stress and being an emotional eater, its just hard to loose weight while going through IVF. Or do you think it was just one of those miracle things? We are ready for our miracle. Thank you again for your amazing story!! XO

    2. I'm not a Dr (I know you know how it feels to suddenly feel like an "expert" on the workings of the reproductive system) but I think the weight loss probably helped. I'd lost a similar amount in 2002, kept it off for a couple of years, and then it started creeping up again when we decided to completely give up on the idea of having kids. I lost the weight in the spring/summer of 2007, and conceived in Nov 2007. I finally got the baby weight off in 2011 (PCOS makes it hard to lose weight and yes, emotional eating and stress eating is also something I'm familiar with!). Cutting carbs made a HUGE difference for me, but that's because of the PCOS sugar/insulin connection.

      Congrats on your V-Day MK trip and you truly do have my thoughts and prayers for success and peace! Here's my PTR if you'd like to read about my own Disney love!

    3. Thank you so very much!!! I am committed more then ever to get this weight off!!! Can't wait to ready your trip report!!! :)

  2. Carey,

    Like the other commenter, I found your blog through WDW Magic. I am a 41 year old with unexplained infertility. Very long story short, my DH and I were married in 1995 and knew immediately that we wanted kids. We waited a couple of years and stopped the birth control and thought nature would take it's course. I had always had very inconsistent cycles, but didn't think much about it. I had always been very thin (5'10" and about 125 pounds when we got married) not by choice, but just couldn't gain weight. (Oh what I would give to have that problem now! LOL) The doctors just thought it would take a little extra time and prescribed Clomid. It is the drug from H***. I did 6 cyles of Clomid, one of them with IUI. We had both been tested and the doctors could not find anything "wrong" with either of us. We took a break from treatment for a while and then began injectable drugs combined with IUI. Nothing worked. My last medicated cycle I had 3 large follicles and when it failed the doctor just looked at me and said "I have no idea why you are not pregnant with triplets right now. The conditions were perfect".

    At that point, I was DONE! I was emotionally, physically and spiritually drained. I missed the spontaneity of our love life and was tired of spending every waking moment wondering. The doctor suggested IVF, but we opted to take a break from everything for at least 6 months and revisit things at that time.

    I got so tired of people telling me "just relax", "you are trying too hard", "it will happen once you stop trying" know the drill.

  3. sorry...I had to many characters for one response. LOL

    3 months or so into our break, my husband began to research international adoption. I came home one night from work and he looked me straight in the eye and handed me a book and said "This is what I want. I think I have known since childhood that I would adopt a baby." He handed me a book he had purchased on international adoption. I hadn't really put much thought into the international part of it, but seeing him so ready and so excited, we jumped in with both feet and found an agency.

    I really think I had finally reached the point where I wanted to be a parent more than I wanted to be pregnant. I can pinpoint the exact time and date that I was Feb. 25, 2000 when our best friends gave birth to their son after going through infertility treatments. We just happened to get to the hospital minutes after he was born and got to hold him within an hour. I knew at that moment that I could have left that hospital with that baby and raised him as my own without ever looking back. He was my sign that God wanted us to adopt.

    3 years later, we adopted a beautiful 10 month old baby girl from China. She is the light of our lives and I know with 100% certainty that God had her chosen for us before she was even conceived. She has significant special needs that we were not aware of prior to her adoption, but I wouldn't change a thing about her. She is the sweetest, most loving 11 year old I could have ever dreamed of having the honor to call my daughter. We began the process to adopt again in 2006, but apparently God had other plans because it has never happened. At this point, we have accepted that Grace will be our only and have removed our dossier from China.

    For all of those people who said "Relax, it will happen when you least expect it" were wrong. We have never conceived. Not once. Do I still have that twinge of desire to feel a baby move inside of me? Of course I do. My younger sister just gave birth to her second baby in two years and it still hurts a little that I never got to experience pregnancy. I did, however have the amazing experience of being handed a 10 month old baby whom no one could ever take away from me. She is my Amazing Grace!

    I admire your strength and faith. God is in control and when He chooses to reveal your child to you in His time, you will look back and it will all make sense. May God continue to bless you with a positive attitude and the strength to continue this journey. I will be praying that you will have success very soon.

  4. Hi LeAnn,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Yes, its been awhile since I have posted. I haven't known what to say. I have an update but its still with an unknown for an answer but I am ready to post an update. :)

    Thank you so much again for your inspiring story. :) Many of the things you felt, I can pin point the moments I felt them too. I want my life back to normal. I want a normal relationship with my husband - not doctor supervised. In all of this, we have been feeling the pull to adopt but at this time, through therapy and prayer, I do still want to be pregnant. I know the moment where I knew adoption would be okay for my husband and I. It was a conversation with my dad about a little guy I nannied for. We have gone as far as we can with adoption for now. But in my heart, I want to be pregnant and have a baby with my hubby. I pray that God has this plan for us to. I am not ready to put that behind me and fully open my self up to adoption. The desire to have my "own" baby is the only thing holding me back. God will answer our prayer and share with us the next step of our story in a couple of weeks.

    It means so much when people share their stories so thank you so much for sharing yours. And i'm thrilled that you have your dream come true!

  5. I will be praying for you over the next 3 weeks that you get the result you so desperately want and deserve.