I will fully admit that I was anxious and happy to see 2012 behind me. Although it had many wonderful moments, it had just as much heartache. At any time, it is hard to hear the bad news that the IVF didn't work, but it is especially difficult as you enter the holidays. For the 8 years my husband and I have been married, each year we think, "this will be our year." Especially the past two years because we have been through so many fertility treatments. I remember in 2011 as we headed into the holidays that next Christmas, we will have our baby! Finally we will have that little bundle, that gift, that miracle we want so bad. Finally we can hang on our tree a "baby's first Christmas" ornament. Finally, we would pack our car and head north for the holidays and a little snuggled up baby would be with us for us to introduce to all of our friends and family. But this was not meant to be. Going into this holiday season, I knew it would be difficult, but around Halloween when we did our last round of IVF, we let ourselves believe that at least we would be pregnant when we went back to Michigan for the holidays. But that too was not meant to be. The heartache and sadness was immense.
I tried to make the best of things. I didn't want to have only sad memories. So I tried to do 25 days of Christmas fun. My wonderful husband was so supportive and went along with all my crazy ideas. Every day in December, we did something Christmasy.We helped friends trim their Christmas tree, and watched all the Christmas shows and movies, and went to the mall, and drank hot cocoa.
We visited Santa - and I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas this year.
We went and cut down a Christmas tree with some great friends.
We spent an evening making Ninja Bread Men cookies, went to the ICE!, the National Tree Lighting ceremony and the Alexandria Tree Lighting.
All these wonderful moments and memories.
But for most of the holidays, I just felt as if I was just going through the motions. I tried to embrace each experience and it was fun while doing it. But after the excitement of the moment faded, the emptiness crept in and took hold. So by the end of the year, I was done. I just wanted it all to be over and to finally close the book on 2012.
As I woke up on the first day of 2013, it was almost like a relief set in. It was an instant wash that the past was the past and the new year is all new with new hope. It has also brought on new plans and new beginnings. Niles and I have decided to begin the adoption process. We go to our first meeting at the beginning of February. At this time, we are looking at going through Catholic Charities. Simultaneously, we will begin IVF again. I am exhausted with this fertility journey and can say with sound mind and heart that this will be the last go at it. So over the next couple of months I will endure a battery of test from a variety of doctors in many fields. Hopefully nothing will be "wrong" but hopefully someone can finally give us an answer to what is going on other then "unexplained infertility". And so it begins again.
For anyone who has endured the pain of infertility, my heart and prayers go out to you. I am judged harshly by some for my decision to continue on this journey, which I think is unfair. Unless you are faced with not being able to have a baby, I don't think you fully understand the emptiness and pain in your heart. It is smothering, deafening, makes it hard to breathe the pain and sadness is so great. Since I was a little girl, the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mommy. All I ever wanted was to hear someone call me "mama". Its been my dream and my desire for as long as I have memories. I believe God gives people gifts and it is this gift of love for children that keeps me going on this journey. It is also this gift that has led us down the path to adoption. This too is a long and delicate process. But as I begin every year, I pray again this year, that this will finally be our year. That this year, we will get pregnant. That this year, we will adopt a brand new baby. That this Christmas, the baby's first Christmas ornament will finally be hung on the tree.
Happy New Year and God Bless.