Its been two months...and what a two months they have been

Going through IVF, there are so many moving parts. Its hard to figure out your feelings and thoughts, let alone to put them down on paper...or computer. :)

When I last left you, I was preparing to have a series of tests that would hopefully give us the results we so desperately want and maybe, just maybe, explain why we have unexplained infertility.

Over the past two months, I have had a hysterosalpingogram (or the HSG test) and a endometrial biopsy. Ladies, if I could offer any advice, ask for some happy drugs during these procedures. By far the most painful tests I have ever had done. The good news - everything is perfect. The bad news - well, everything perfect. I of course didn't want anything to be wrong but it sure would have explained why and what was going on if something had come up. So even after these two tests, everything is exactly as it was before - unexplained infertility.

So we prepared for another round of IVF. I did everything I could think of, so did my hubby. We ate nothing with preservatives, no soda, no drinkipoos, had whole food blended smoothies every morning, stayed away from white sugar and white flour - with the exception of my nightly M&M's. :) This seemed to work as we generated the best results of eggs and embryos that we ever had! We had 16 eggs, 12 embryos and 7 are strong and healthy and able to be frozen. I am doing a natural IVF cycle - I didn't go right into a fresh transfer as I was slightly over stimulated.  So in a week from today, we will have our transfer.

I feel better then I have ever felt before and more prepared. I am doing everything that I can possibly think of. And I have my village of support. Its taken a long time to get to this place. For a while, my hubby and I had put our focus and energy on adoption. And although we went as far as completing the necessary classes and paperwork, we just didn't feel like it was the right time. My heart kept telling me that it is more then just being a mom, but I want to have my baby with my husband. This was hard for me to come to terms with. I thought I was a bad person or not being open to all possibilities. But in truth, I wasn't being open to what my true's heart desire was. The option to adopt will always be there. But for right now, I want to be pregnant. I want to have our baby.

In 3 weeks, God will reveal the next chapter of my life. I'm anxious, excited but most of all, ready. Ready as I every could be.

How to grow a baby

I have found myself reflecting a lot these past couple of days at the absolute miracle it is to have a baby, or rather, grow a baby.  I fully admit, it seems like an odd way to phrase it, but that is our problem, we can make a baby, it just won't grow. So how do you grow a baby?

I was with two little ones today, putting them down for a nap. The quite lull before nap time is my favorite time with the littles. They are sleepy and snuggly and ready to drift away to a sweet slumber. I was feeding a 5 month old her bottle and was looking at her little fingers and I kept thinking, what a miracle it is to grow these little fingers. The little nails, the little chubby hand...what a miracle it is. Later in the afternoon, I was putting a little 2 year old boy down for a nap, and he likes to twirl hair. That same thought came into mind as I watched him twirl the end of my hair...how do you a grow this perfect little person. Or more specifically...why can't I grow this perfect little person?

As anyone who has been through IVF or struggled with any type of fertility issues, the emotional roller coaster we are on is over whelming. The past two days have been unexpectedly rolly.  Which has resulted on this reflection. No matter what your beliefs, having a baby is a true miracle. I have been under the most perfect scientific conditions and it has not worked.  So, after two full years of IVF docs, injections, and tests, and 6 years previously trying to have a baby in a number of ways, we are coming to the end of our journey. I emotionally, mentally and physically can not go on much more. We have what is called "unexplained infertility". The unexplained part is the part that I constantly struggle with. And now, I am struggling with this reflection - how do you a grow a baby? How do I make this miracle happen?  And why can't I? When will it be my turn?


I have Faith, I have the love of an amazing husband and family, the most supportive and understanding friends. One of these friends asked me the other day, what makes me keep going? It was an easy answer. I keep going and trying for my miracle, because it is the only thing that I have ever wanted. In my core, and every cell of my being, wants only to be a mommy.  We have tried so many things and done so many tests, that now, I don't know what else I can do.  So I sit here and wonder....how do you grow a baby?

A new year, and it begins again

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2013!

I will fully admit that I was anxious and happy to see 2012 behind me. Although it had many wonderful moments, it had just as much heartache. At any time, it is hard to hear the bad news that the IVF didn't work, but it is especially difficult as you enter the holidays. For the 8 years my husband and I have been married, each year we think, "this will be our year." Especially the past two years because we have been through so many fertility treatments. I remember in 2011 as we headed into the holidays that next Christmas, we will have our baby! Finally we will have that little bundle, that gift, that miracle we want so bad. Finally we can hang on our tree a "baby's first Christmas" ornament. Finally, we would pack our car and head north for the holidays and a little snuggled up baby would be with us for us to introduce to all of our friends and family. But this was not meant to be.  Going into this holiday season, I knew it would be difficult, but around Halloween when we did our last round of IVF, we let ourselves believe that at least we would be pregnant when we went back to Michigan for the holidays. But that too was not meant to be. The heartache and sadness was immense.

I tried to make the best of things. I didn't want to have only sad memories.  So I tried to do 25 days of Christmas fun. My wonderful husband was so supportive and went along with all my crazy ideas. Every day in December, we did something Christmasy.We helped friends trim their Christmas tree, and watched all the Christmas shows and movies, and went to the mall, and drank hot cocoa.

We visited Santa - and I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas this year.

We went and cut down a Christmas tree with some great friends.

We spent an evening making Ninja Bread Men cookies, went to the ICE!, the National Tree Lighting ceremony and the Alexandria Tree Lighting.

All these wonderful moments and memories.

But for most of the holidays, I just felt as if I was just going through the motions. I tried to embrace each experience and it was fun while doing it. But after the excitement of the moment faded, the emptiness crept in and took hold. So by the end of the year, I was done. I just wanted it all to be over and to finally close the book on 2012.

As I woke up on the first day of 2013, it was almost like a relief set in. It was an instant wash that the past was the past and the new year is all new with new hope. It has also brought on new plans and new beginnings. Niles and I have decided to begin the adoption process. We go to our first meeting at the beginning of February. At this time, we are looking at going through Catholic Charities. Simultaneously, we will begin IVF again. I am exhausted with this fertility journey and can say with sound mind and heart that this will be the last go at it. So over the next couple of months I will endure a battery of test from a variety of doctors in many fields. Hopefully nothing will be "wrong" but hopefully someone can finally give us an answer to what is going on other then "unexplained infertility".  And so it begins again.

For anyone who has endured the pain of infertility, my heart and prayers go out to you. I am judged harshly by some for my decision to continue on this journey, which I think is unfair. Unless you are faced with not being able to have a baby, I don't think you fully understand the emptiness and pain in your heart. It is smothering, deafening, makes it hard to breathe the pain and sadness is so great. Since I was a little girl, the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mommy. All I ever wanted was to hear someone call me "mama".  Its been my dream and my desire for as long as I have memories. I believe God gives people gifts and it is this gift of love for children that keeps me going on this journey. It is also this gift that has led us down the path to adoption. This too is a long and delicate process. But as I begin every year, I pray again this year, that this will finally be our year. That this year, we will get pregnant. That this year, we will adopt a brand new baby. That this Christmas, the baby's first Christmas ornament will finally be hung on the tree.

Happy New Year and God Bless.